CorporateSlaveMonkey

Tune in Tokyo!

2006-09-06T17:52:00.000-07:00

Hey, so the other day I was at a client site running a project kickoff meeting and one of the key managers happened to be wearing this crazy low-cut top. Quite a distraction right? So using all powers of will, I kept my eyes at head-level and carried right on, but you do have to wonder what's up with that?

The funny bit is that in following days, this manager has transitioned the old wardrobe to some frightfully dull little house on the prairie stylings (much to the dismay of colleagues) and has been aggressively negotiating scope. Fun fun!

So my question is: is the preemptive booby strike an effective negotiating tool? Time shall tell....

Special Projects

2006-08-11T12:43:00.000-07:00

When demoted from a role with actual responsibilty to the land of 'special projects', why don't they just say 'hey pal, yer fucked and it's time hit the trails'?

In our uber-politically correct corporate landscape, so much time is spent on the corporate purge cycle. What a waste of time, but what a great way to avoid litigation and 'unpleasantness'.

Special projects are the most brutal. First strippem of all responsibility, next put them in highly visible projects (usually the type that are doomed), then give them completely unrealistic target goals and objectives.

Wallah! Corproate ex-lax works its magic with a litigation free purge event.

Re-Org!

2006-08-08T17:24:00.000-07:00

I love reorgs. The best ones have little to no warning, until the powerpoint deck floats round and things get quiet.

Then, a few Silverbacks get taken down a notch or 3, and take unplanned vacations. A few might disappear all together, but usually exit before hand to spend time with their families. The ladder climbers who spent the last year politically climbing and apple-polishing are absolutely stunned and 'go dark'.

For better or worse, reorgs at least give us something interesting to watch. Kind of like our fearless leader- the ultimate re-org machine. OK soldiers- time to shuffle the deck chairs!

Power Monkey

2006-07-27T13:42:00.000-07:00

How did our corporate culture become so infused with such a heavy element of 'power worship'?
OK, I know the photo is on the 'ridiculous' end of the spectrum, but then again doesn't this sum it up?

Power worship is especially amazing when a new-leader joins the organization. Since people don't yet understand political ties or overall motiviations, there is generally a flurry of 'ass kissing' that happens on just about every level.

Even a leader's basic vocabulary is copied. My favorite is from a few months ago when a leader in a huge outfit was slinging 'manage demand' as a catch phrase. Next thing you know, middle managers everywhere were obsessed. They'd nail you down in meetings...'but, do you do demand management?' Could they explain it? Uh, no.

Take that shit off your ear!

2006-07-19T19:24:00.000-07:00

Bluetooth headsets are cool, but just because you own one doesn't make you cool.

Average Headset User Profile:

40-60 yr old middle manager
Perfectly groomed
Well mannered, cordial
Little blue blinking light on side of head
Usually not talking, but ready and willing for some phone action
Tries to ignore the fact people are staring at annoying impotent device attached to their head

GENTLEMEN GEEKS! You need to know that you look like tools. No-one cares that you're stupid enough to shell out 200 bucks on a headset. Madonna looked cool with the headset, partly because she was in her prime and wore the pointy-boob cups, but mainly because SHE WAS USING IT!

Take that shit off the ear and put it in your pocket.

Silent But Deadly

2006-06-07T07:18:00.000-07:00

Don't you love it when people get 'let go' and the way the information is released spreads quietly like a noxious gas?

All of the remaining corporate slave monkeys whisper the news, send chats, and generally distribute the news at low levels, as if spreading news of a venereal disease outbreak in a rest home. Sick man, it's sick!

Another classic move is when people's names are removed from the employee directory before they even leave the organization or before their colleagues are notified of the 'organizational changes'. It's the subtle yet effective bitch-slap on the back as you exit.

Rental Wonder: 2006 Hyundai Sonata

2006-05-24T18:24:00.000-07:00

This week I happened upon renting a new Hyundai Sonata. Sure, you’ve seen the BMW-esque commercials with the silver car revving and cornering up a mountain road. Subtitle: 235 HP. Too bad it’s not rear-wheel.

From the standpoint of trying to push rentals on a weekly basis (with my own and the general public’s safety a top priority of course), this vehicle stands out as an exception from the average rental car fleet.

The standard road tests include:

Power shifting – from neutral at standstill
Power shifting – from neutral while rolling (various speeds and gears)
Redline test
Power brake test – slides at speed
Drifting– usually wide cloverleaf exit ramps without edges
0-60 test
Hard start – no power shift on dry pavement

Basic stats hold true- 235 horsepower from an overhead cam V-6 and a ‘poor man’s tectronic’ shifting system to boot. The look of the car is not bad; in fact today I got ‘the nod’ from a rice-burner. Could be the power of advertising.

Advantages:

No-rev limiter, at least up to red-line RPM at 7000
Ignition-kill does not kick in if you do a moving power shift.
Parking brake – strong rear-brake is strong enough for power slides
Horsepower-weight ratio is great. Hyundai makes a lightweight car.
The ‘poor man’s tectronic’ is great. It’s a little clunky, but at least lets you run up to redline in each gear.
Enough torque to break loose in 1^st in dry conditions
The suspension is tight enough to do hard cornering without ‘nose-diving’ or unpredicted weight shifts;
Drink holder in the rear-center arm-rest; bling bling
Bodywork is tight- consistent edges and clearances all around

Disadvantages:

Front-wheel drive limits any and potential of drifting this baby. If otherwise, this would be a true drifting machine.
Ignition-kill sets in if you do a power shift from a standstill, like most rentals these days
The center-console is over-designed

In sum...

Usually any rental fleet mid-size with 200+ HP is a death wish, but the Sonata actually has good gearing, balance, and suspension that add up to a predictably fun ride. This car puts comparable ‘mid-size’ rental fleet performers to shame.

cHARLOTte

2006-05-18T19:49:00.000-07:00

I've determined from extensive research that cHARLOTte is super lame. A one trick pony primadonna with an attitude problem.

The metro-persona consists of 'the bank'. What's funny is that roughly -7/10 people in town work for 'the bank' and commonly self-reference their respective employer as 'the bank', even though there are 2 gigantic banks in town.

Even the homey culture is lame. Tonight I walked 2 miles through old run-down warehouse districts and didn't get cased once. Ain't no reefer here kids! And speaking of downtown, the cHarlottans refer to downtown as 'uptown'. Personal theory: to mullify suburbanite concerns that they'll get mauled going to work in the big city. You can circumnavigate the metropolis running in less than 30', and there are no more than 5 dark alleys where bad things might even conceivably happen.

The most insightful comment about cHARLOTte was from a dude working the valet stand. 'People in cHARLOTte are overly concerned about themselves. It's all about me'.

That does sum it up. Except this joint is like LA without the fuckin entertainment industry. Sort of like a mini-sanitary napkin version of south Manhattan minus chutzpah and any remote sense of style, with the exception of the men's grooming salon of course.

Too much butter, not enough soul.

We will never be free until all monkeys are free from their cube prisons!

2006-03-09T12:53:00.000-08:00

http://money.cnn.com/2006/03/09/magazines/fortune/cubicle_howiwork_fortune/index.htm?cnn=yes

I will free you CorporateSlaveMonkey just like John Brown tried to do!

2006-03-07T12:06:00.000-08:00

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/aia/part4/4p2940.html

Work Cliques

2006-03-07T12:02:00.000-08:00

Ever notice that cube workers are really no different than grade school kids? Why is it that we resort back to the behavior of children when it comes to interacting in an office environment? Are we really not capable of simply talking to someone to address or issues or concerns? Do we really need to talk with others that we hope share our views and join as a team to face off against those that we are in conflict with? Why is it that no matter what team is formed there becomes one dominant leader, like the animal world, that the others will follow in case they become isolated and need to look to the other team for acceptance? Is there a way that we can simply act like real people and address those that we feel have wronged us? And most importantly why do I care for if I am a real person I will simply will laugh at it until others see the light and join my group of independents where we will talk about the other groups!!!

Bullet Dodgers

2006-03-01T19:22:00.000-08:00

So how in the hell do all of these middle-manager dead-weights survive? And how do companies sustain a profit margin with the ranks stacked with bullet-dodgers?

One theory is that corporate America is riddled with middle-managers who possess the skill of avoiding the bullet. Sort of like the impish creatures in nature that thrive as parasites or survive by gorging on feces. A friend from New Orleans was describing his refrigerator after a 3 week spell of no power. "The entire fridge was crawling with maggots, and there were layers of maggots feeding on maggots. It's crazy what a piece of meat will breed after a few weeks".

Nuff said.

"Working From Home"

2006-02-20T07:39:00.000-08:00

So how diligent are the millions of corporateslavemonkeys who work from home some to most of the time? I'd venture to guess that the 80% of slackers who do the bare minimum to 'get by' don't do much when 'working from home' and that the '20% of hard workers' seriously rock-out when confined to an environment with little to no interruptions or distractions. Uh, unless you count unfetterred access to email and the internet as a distraction!
"Working From Home"

Reign of the Silverback

2006-02-14T16:27:00.000-08:00

A Silverback Gorilla, when under stress or attack, sometimes turns on his own family and slaughters the family in an act of self preservation. It's an ugly truth of our chromosomal cousins who happen to share 99% of our DNA. See if the following description and liberal translation paints a picture of any middle manager corporateslavemonkeys you might know:

1. Despite their reputation, gorillas are passive, shy animals. They may put on a noisy charge display to scare off intruders and/or allow time for the band to disappear into the forest.

(Translation: Passive aggressive, avoids confrontation, makes noise to ward off trouble)

2. Chest-beating displays against outlying silverbacks can be intense but rarely develop into a confrontation. If a fight does begin between silverbacks, females and/or offspring are at risk, and infants are often mortally injured.

(Translation: Typically benign, but quick to turn on their own if engaged in a tough situation)

3. There are nine steps in the highly ritualized charge display from hooting to chest-beating to running and tearing plants to slapping the ground.

(Translation: Quickly creates a mess, and then attempts to intimidate others)

Filling Spaces

2006-01-22T07:50:00.000-08:00

Last night at my partner's company party, I ended up talking to the guy who runs facilities for the outfit. Part of his job involves planning cubical space usage (who gets to sit where, why, etc). He had some of the more interesting insights about cube farms and how people spend more time in their cubes than they normally do in their own homes. We may be more peculiar about our workspaces than our homespaces. And the things people keep in their spaces, like a woman's dead dog ashes in a small urn.

The most striking story was about how at one company, an employee passed away and his cube evolved into what an outsider would view as a shrine. When the building plans involved adding a new wall, the wall had to literally be built 'around' the cube-shrine to satisify the social needs of the community in mourning.

Try it out..the facilities manager could tell you more about a place than you'd think.

Call of the Wild

2006-01-17T19:13:00.000-08:00

Welcome to 2006, fellow underling corporate slave monkeys. It's belated I admit, but I've been busy cleaning my cave and shoveling monkeyshit for #4 and #8,362,261,192.85EXP15 as of late.

So an interesting wrinkle unfolds in el-blogosphere today. This morning, as I was sitting in my smelly coach seat of a US Air deathtrap 914 at 6 in the morning, I stumbled across a NYTimes article about business traveller bloggers.

So basically, there are a bunch of people just like your favorite corporate soulmate, who have special bloggo outlets for their business travel, consulting, white-collar woe-is me tales. Great shit. Tales of airplanes, high-thread count sheets, airline security puffer machines, dumbass primates at the hotel bar, psuedo-anonymous internet lifesytles. Resting pulse...62. (except for Alex, who seems to have a pulse)

I'm fighting off all el-blogosphere instincts to throw shit and make enemies here. But lets face the facts. By 2010, there will be roughly 2 blogs for every human on the planet. And about 1 out of 10000 people might actually give a monkey crap about 'business blogs'. I reckon if these el-business bloggers funnelled their true 'anonymous' feelings towards this blog, we'd be throwing some serious shit.

Partial Recall

2005-12-10T07:55:00.000-08:00

You gotta love it when someone emails the company distribution list with a regrettable topic intended only for few. Then the email-recall emails are sent out of pure desperation, calling only more attention to the fuck-up.

Classic. Then all the monkeys start trash-talking and yapping about how screwed said email sender truly is when normally they'd probably forget or delete the stupid email in the first place.

Screaming Monkeys

2005-11-22T07:02:00.000-08:00

There's a good saying out there that 'success has many founders'. So true.

I can't help to notice that when something is going well and it creates a buzz, all the monkeys come out of the woodwork and start making noise. It's primal alright.

When things flounder, all the monkeys hide, dissassociate, and duck for cover, until the alpha monkeys show up and start throwing shit.

Yeah, and for all you cynics who think I'm full of crap, I AM THE JANE GOODALL OF CUBELAND!

Rise of the Politician

2005-11-12T15:23:00.000-08:00

Doesn't it seem like the 'politician' is taking over the management ranks of the business world? When did the last truly competent and qualified corporateslavemonkey that you know, make a key move up in any large organization?

Not enough advances of this type are being made, because the rules of the game no longer equate to connections, caliber, competence, and desire alone.

In general, we seem to be evolving to a model of business where the political 'playas' are the only types who are unscrupulous enough and slick enough to play a winning hand. So as we move to a low-value, high-drain management model, how long until it breaks?

Cubical Mating Patterns

2005-11-08T14:29:00.000-08:00

Situation:

Large room full of 150 engineers and programmers, aged 30 to 60.

Disposition predominantly male

New intern (hot 25 year old female) arrives in cubical farm

Observation:

New Interns cube is constantly surrounded by males

Alpha male has claimed rights to New Intern's cube

Beta males congregate in small groups observing Alpha male

Conclusion:

This shit is totally like Nova

CorporateSlaveMonkey is alive and well

Origin of Species

2005-11-07T20:19:00.000-08:00

CorporateSlaveMonkey

CorporateSlaveMonkeys occur in the corporate landscape either by choice, by accident, or by natural selection. The purpose of this blog is to provide insights to the daily habits, downfalls, and triumphs of this strange species that happens to inhabit the ubiquitous cubical farms, airplanes, hotels, and board rooms throughout North America.

Think 'Nova' meets 'Office Space' meets 'Consultant'' and your magical journey has begun.

Throwing Shit

2005-11-04T18:30:00.000-08:00

When recanting the events of the prior week as corporate slave monkey, a good friend of mine made a great analogy to the bullshit games of corporate america. Its really not unlike monkeys at a zoo throwing feces at each other when you see the average middle manager games being played in the corporate heirarchy.

EIEIEEIEEIEIIE! I'm packing my bag of shit for next week!